Maybe differences in relationships aren’t the threat we think they are

Thoughts from 'Younger' from Netflix of all shows...

I was watching Younger last night with Drew - you know Younger on Netflix: Hilary Duff, fashion that millennials can appreciate, a bit trashy in a comforting, end-of-day way. Drew sat in the same room, reluctantly, pretending not to look up from his laptop every few minutes.

It’s bingeable and one-dimensional, sure, but funny. It’s also set in a publishing house, which obviously interests me. Mostly, though, I chose it because it required no concentration or critical thinking, a small luxury after a long day of parenting during the holidays.

Then a scene comes on where Liza begins to question whether she really knows her partner. (She’s 40, posing as 26; he’s in his twenties and none the wiser, but that’s beside the point.) She mentions a manuscript she’s come across at work, convinced it will be the next bestseller, and encourages him to read it. He casually replies that he’s not really into reading.

*Pause for dramatic effect* Especially because she is more shaken by this than by the double life she’s living. Wild.

She probes further, realising she doesn’t actually know him all that well. He explains that reading just isn’t his thing, that he’s more of a visual person. And she responds, defensively, “Reading is really important to me. It’s my life.”

I looked over at Drew, who was once again peering over his laptop, because we’ve been here. Not the age scandal part, but the moment of realising we had pretty different interests and ironically it was about reading too.

We’ll rewind back a few years where on my bedside table sat a stack of books I was actively reading (they’re still there, but I have rotated them in and out over time.) Drew had one: Dave Grohl. He never picked it up. It sat there for a year, slowly becoming part of the furniture, his face staring out at us from the bedroom every morning and night. Eventually, I grew tired of Dave Grohl. No offense to him, but I saw his side profile far too often.

I finally asked Drew if he was actually planning on reading it. And if not, maybe the bookshelf would be a better home.

“I will one day,” he said. “I just haven’t gotten around to it.”

I reminded him that his face had, in fact, been there for a year, and that it was okay if reading simply wasn’t his thing.

But I sat with it longer than the conversation, because initially it bothered me.

Maybe somewhere along the way, we’re taught that shared interests are the scaffolding of a successful relationship. That liking the same things is a sign we’re doing it right.

I love to read. It’s not his thing. He loves comics and drawing; I’m still drawing in the same style I did when I was nine. I love pulling apart song lyrics; he listens for musical composition. He loves to cook; I love to eat (he loves eating too, and I acknowledge my good fortune here). I love projects and planning weekends; he lives very much in the present -something that used to drive me crazy, but now often grounds me. He is very chill. My brain never stops ticking.

So yes, the fact he didn’t like reading did bother me at first, or maybe it was just Dave’s face… but truthfully, I’m grateful we have different passions. What matters isn’t compatibility alone, but curiosity with it. It’s not about loving the same things, but caring that the other person loves them, maybe that’s what sustains love.

Drew doesn’t read poetry, but he will listen to every poem of mine and provide his insight. I don’t watch AFL, but occasionally I will try to understand the game (I am still confused beyond belief). I could go on…. But I think when you’re younger, these differences can feel bigger, like warning signs instead of an invitation to explore things about each other. But one of the biggest lessons parenting has taught me is how much more important shared values are than shared hobbies.

I’ve sat in rooms with couples arguing over opposing political views or fundamentally different approaches to parenting, agreeing to disagree, and I know these can feel more like barriers than hurdles.

I don’t need Drew to love reading. I need him to care that I love it. To ask what I’m reading. To listen when I talk about it. To make room for the things that make me feel alive, to know Me.

And he does.

In return, I try to do the same. I may not share his passions in the same way, but I respect them. I’m curious about them. I understand that they’re part of him, even AFL…

It’s not about mirroring, it’s about witnessing, feeling seen in the way you see the world and what makes you feel alive. Knowing someone cares about what you care about.

How lucky to have these ones in our life.

Dave Grohl eventually made it to the bookshelf, and he will probably stay there now that he’s listened to the audio book instead.

You don’t need to both read books to be on the same page.

(who said ‘Younger’ wasn’t deep? Also I have no idea what happens beyond this episode)

Books and poetry prints available here: www.jessicaurlichs.com